This time last year, I wrote a blog post on time, and now, looking back, I can see God’s fingerprints all over the truths he would lead me in the next year. The symbolism in writing on time, unintentionally taking the time because not feeling ready or authentically inspired to write, to posting this a year later. A year ago writing what I did, I didn’t fully understand the depth of what He was revealing. But now, in hindsight, I realize I was just beginning to grasp the edge of what He is continuing and was doing in my life. Over time, He has given me the eyes, heart, and understanding that only He can provide, lifting the veil on the truth that was once concealed due to my limited understanding and growth. And, ironically, only time and my relationship with Him could reveal that truth in each season, which is true experientially in our walks with Him for many of us.
As we all do, I've been reflecting on the past year, especially on that blog post I wrote about time. I can see now that God gave me just that—time this year. Time I didn’t realize I needed, even though I had written about it. I believe He prompted me to write it at the start of last year, knowing the lessons to come. Often, I write about lessons learned, lessons beginning to be learned, lessons I’m still wrestling with, and lessons the Holy Spirit is whispering to me that I don’t fully understand until later.
At the beginning of 2024, our church, CCV, did a series called "I Declare," with several sermons focusing on hopes and principles for the year ahead. The tagline for the series was: “There’s a whisper within you that beckons a better life. A decision before you that begs you to choose. There’s a spirit within you stirring something new. Don’t just think it. Declare it. Live it.” During that time, I chose the word Joy and wore a bracelet declaring that over the moments, days, and months ahead of me in 2024. But, if I’m being honest, I didn’t experience Joy necessarily in the ways I had expectations for. God had bigger plans for my refinement and spiritual growth that I believe has allowed me to learn about the Joy He wants for me that as always is greater than I can fathom and understand His ways in, but I will always try. He was going to take me deeper in understanding what that declaration meant, and how joy is truly found.
I’ve read about Paul’s letter to the Philippians and believe, as I’ve lived out, that we can be grateful for trials, hurts, and pains because they refine and strengthen our faith. But when I first put on that bracelet, I was shortsighted about what I was faithfully declaring. I thought I understood that joy is not the absence of problems, but at the time, I didn’t fully grasp it like God has shown me this year. I thought, after all the grief, pain, and loss, it was finally time for God to deliver the joy I thought I “deserved.” But instead, God humbly gave me time. Time to understand His definition of joy. His gentle unfolding of joy found for those who seek it and are awake to it through his revealing in the ordinary and even difficult.
As I write this, I’ll admit that, even just weeks ago, I wrestled with God over this definition and the joy He wanted to give me, and I’m sure I will in my coming days as a continual work in progress. He taught me to find joy not despite the healing, hurt, betrayals, grief and challenges, but directly because of them—and within them. I thought I understood that truth, but I believe it’s one that God will continue to reveal to me and us all in our journeys.
After all, my life's journey with Him inspired me to name my blog "Flourish Anyway," and this year, He gave me joy anyway. Joy in the midst of processing grief, joy in contentment despite any situation, joy in the hope of our aching prayers not yet answered, and joy in the gospel He kept whispering to my weary heart—even when I was honestly hurt by Him. And to reach that understanding of joy… time. Sometimes, achingly long stretches of time when I was beyond weary, unsure of what He was doing, questioning what I truly believed about my framework, or where I even wanted to be on this journey. But the Lord never left me. He remained steady, leading me. Now, as the year ends, I look at my bracelet differently. It’s worn, stretched out, and has needed a few washes. There were even days, in defiance born from hurt, that I didn’t wear it. But I always put it back on in an act of humbly re-surrendering to my journey of Joy restoration, just as the Lord never let me go. My friends and family continually nudged, pushed and reminded me to keep taking hold, even when there were stretches when I waned, and keep doing so even as I post.
Over the past several years, I’ve fought through a lot with the Lord by my side, and I believe He is now trying to help me see that to experience the true rest, balm, home for my soul and peace; He’s bringing me to and through a chapter of full surrender. This year, God gave me the time to learn what it means to have joy anyway. The true definition of joy is finding good, lessons, beauty, and, at times, a bone-weary silver lining—a smile of substance that could only be felt because you understand the treasure of that lift of the heart and soul, even in the mundane, hard, and seemingly flat-lined moments.
Brene Brown says joy is the most vulnerable emotion. Holly Gerth describes joy sharing “we tend to think of joy as an ‘easy’ emotion. It's not heavy like sadness or intense like anger… I'm learning joy is not a feeling to force, but a gift to receive. Opening our hearts to embrace it, especially in a broken world, takes guts and bravery. Joy isn't a balloon, cotton candy, or confetti. It's challenging and risky, maybe even a little crazy. It's a wild act of worship by warriors with dents in their armor.”
Gosh that last line…I don’t know about you but I want to ,through His strength, be a warrior with the dents in my armor being fiercely committed to not let the hurts of my life take over my heart, but seek, find, grasp, fight for and receive Joy anyway.
The Joy God gave me as a gift in the heart wrenching and simple blessing, highs and lows of 2024 with:
experiencing the pride and contentment as a full time single mom and the bond, love, and resilience of our big 3 family.
seeing the fruit in the life we have always had as our unit of 3, and have continued to nurture and protect through the strength and support of family and community. A life built.
friendships growing and evolving.
stepping into a new role as a teacher.
processing deceitful heartbreak.
realizing that I can take time to tend to my heart and flourish differently.
releasing what I thought was mine to carry, fix, or seek to understand.
learning to not be so hard on myself.
observing my son see the Vikings stadium and “Skol” in person.
watching my daughter step into being a wonderful babysitter and making wise decisions for her.
dancing two steps and triple steps with new wonderful souls in life.
on the lake with my people and listening to country music.
lyrics and songs that capture your hearts' journey, and your soul “gnosis” moments. Soaking in the therapy of music, sunshine and a walk.
listening to Hummingbird CP album on vinyl.
belting Rebecca St. James “Breathe.” Finding the track again at the perfect time after decades.
crying tears of relief.
watching, supporting and seeing my kids grow and do what they love and excel as honor roll students and competitive athletes.
embracing singleness.
trusting, praying and knowing that the partner God has for me will be found while seeking Him; authentically bring true iron sharpens iron for one another, have transparent clarity and character, tenderness and steadiness, will seek patience, and desire for perseverance to create our own “San Diego 99” moments in the highs and lows.
“Mean it this Time” by CP
seeing my kids discover who they are in Christ, getting re-baptized alongside them getting baptized, and seeing how God is working in and through them. They inspire me.
budgeting and providing for my family as the head of the household.
absorbing loving truths and wisdom from my parents.
experiencing live country music concerts with loved ones. Still think Luke should have played You Found Yours. Just sayin.
paddleboarding making memories.
stewarding what I have in the “mundane”, but integral legacy building little details of daily life. Striving to be faithful in my “little.” Luke 16:10
experiencing freedom in accepting who people truly are, and reveal themselves to be based on their actions and choices.
restoring permeating leaks in life—figuratively and literally—finding God's sense of humor even in home renovations. He truly is in every detail!
answers are deferred for a hope and purpose I can trust.
flowing in rhythms over hustling in burnout.
surrendering to the beauty of an unfolding life with the support of loved ones. No words do my gratitude justice.
learning to let down in the calm and steady.
2024 gave me time for new acceptance and understanding of the joy the Lord wanted to declare over my heart, moments, and experiences this year. Joy not by my experiential human definition, but by His richer one; which only time, surrender, and humility could bring slowly. Joy, that can on the surface seem fleeting but in the coming back to Him can always be found in lasting contentment in trusting in His promises. Looking for the glimmers.
I would feel it in sweet, levitating moments on the dance floor with a friend who prayed over my heart in moments I wasn’t even aware of, or seeing my son score his first touchdown in the beginning of the season, only to lose a championship and cry tears of determination and grit for the work that comes next. I felt joy in gratitude in the tender, desperate relief of surrender that I know is allowing my heart to truly be taken care of in Him, as I continue to heal but also thrive in my hard earned hallelujahs and healing. This coming year I choose to continue surrendering, trusting, and expanding with and in Him.
So, what does your “joy anyway” list look like from 2024? What experiences, little gratitudes, trials, milestones, losses, and changes do you need to give time for God to reveal joy in? What can you thank Him for that he used for good? What can you have God redefine and beckon you forward in? What can you find joy in as a “wild act of worship” with dents and all in your armor? Surrender and be obedient in Him to find joy anyway, and you may just begin your fresh recalibrated journey on your way to flourish anyway.
